I think we gave each other some mutual validation. I was a lost-in-the-crowd middle child, she an occupationless--and therefore invisible--widow.
The elderly are marginalized in our culture. We quarantine them in retirement communities and nursing homes. Our discomfort at being reminded of age, decay and our own inevitable demises makes us unwilling to associate with those who have gained wisdom through experience, to our own detriment. We get impatient when we're stuck behind old people in traffic. I don't they drive slow because they're bad drivers. I think they drive slow because they know--on a level that the young cannot--that few things in life warrant hurrying.
I was at the library a few months ago. The local senior center is in the same building. In the restroom, I heard two old women conversing in their stalls. "My friend Arlene just found out she has cancer in three different places. And she is the sweetest person you will ever meet." As though sweetness ought to be an inoculation against mortality. Later I watched all the senior citizens climbing into their van, stooped and straining at the effort of an activity that I take for granted. But instead of pitying them, I realized, If I am lucky, someday that will be me. If I am lucky, someday I will be old.
My friend from childhood is no doubt long since dead, and I can't remember her name.
Beautiful perspective, Leah! It reminds me of a time when we were at Legoland. We found a crowded restaurant where we agreed to eat lunch. Matt and the kids found a table, while I hurried through the à la carte line, grabbing food for the four of us. At the drink machine, I apologized to an older man waiting next to me, feeling that I was taking too long to fill our drinks. In complete contrast to my mom-at-a-themepark hysteria, he was completely calm, replying, "Oh, don't you worry, sweetie. I spent my whole life rushing around. I'm never in a hurry anymore." I found him very comforting, and like you, I want that life someday.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jen! It's so easy to get caught up in rushing around with family, job, friends, etc. I wonder if there's any way to really appreciate what life is all about before we get so close to the end of it. We can say we appreciate it, but I doubt I really do the same way an older person does. Some knowledge can only be acquired through living, and a lot of living.
ReplyDeleteI remember my next door neighbor at the condo complex, Ed Fisher. He repaired and restored musical instruments. Most afternoons, as I walked up the stairs, he could be found fixing a valve on a trumpet or re-lining a violin case with crushed velvet. it was impossible not to stop and marvel at the skill and precision of his aged hands and to engage his keen mind in conversation. Thanks for reminding me, Leah.
ReplyDeletei work with the elderly a lot, meaning almost every day. i see them dying or dead almost every day. the loneliness our society leaves them to is a crying shame. the only comfort i find sometimes is the fact that i was there. maybe not who they wanted, but i was there. attention can be a beautiful gift to give. a person is a person, no matter how small, so a certain elephant says (Seuss' Horton). dare i say? --a person is a person--.
ReplyDeletesome of the best times of my life have been with a person much older than myself, some ancient creature who has taken time to give me attention, wisdom, and love. i don't want to die physically old. but if i do have to live to some antiquity, i think i rather agree w leah and jennifer here as to what kind of age i want...humble, un hurried, un worried, wise and experienced age.
Leah, that's so very cool that you formed that bond with your elderly friend at a point when you were the forgotten middle child, lost in the shuffle. I was (am) a middle child too and can totally relate. My family appeared "perfect" to outsiders yet we were emotionally distant.
ReplyDeleteI did not form any close emotional bonds with either of my parents or my older siblings. I am lucky to have close relationships with some of my younger siblings -- all non-believers. We developed those bonds for the most part after we became adults. Someone like your elderly friend would have been a gift at that age when I was feeling lost in the shuffle and hungry for emotional connection.
Very cool post.
I agree, great post. I was raised by my grandparents, and feel so fortunate to have had their perspective in my life. If I'm lucky enough to be an elderly woman someday, I hope to have an 8 year old friend down the street who likes to visit.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tim. I love hearing about other people's memories.
ReplyDeleteheffalump, thanks for the work that you do!
CD, thanks! I don't recall caring for my siblings much when we were growing up, but we've developed some friendships as adults. I'm definitely closer to the non-believers than I am with those who stayed in the Church. It's really bothering me to remember how much I liked her but not to be able to remember her name or how she drifted out of my life.
Donna, thanks! I hope I have an 8-year-old friend too. :-)
Warning: I am about to be politically incorrect.
ReplyDeleteMany old people deserve to be ignored.
If you practice hollow, selfish conversation for decades you will cement your mind into ugliness. Strip away the beauty of youth and what is left is rightfully unattractive. Attention to these sorts of folks is pure giving.
Culture conscious, giving, and real listening now in youth. Consider the other person's story more valuable than yours and maybe, just maybe someone will actually enjoy talking to you even after age has stripped you of any natural attractiveness.
Leah, it seems that woman must have practiced excellent conversation so that you could have both enjoyed each other.
Nice post.
Sabio, yes, some old people are hollow and selfish, just as some young people are. I think if you've cultivated compassionate listening and give and take in conversation, that's something that gets better with age, like wine. And hollow selfishness just gets more hollow and selfish.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's unfortunate encounters with old folk who haven't developed any inner beauty that can cause us to dismiss all old people.
Paul Sunstone had a loosely related post on why you don't see more middle-aged women in internet porn. It takes a skilled photographer to capture a beauty that's less "in your face" and most internet porn photographers are not skilled.
I suppose it's up to each of us whether we'll cultivate qualities that will make us attractive even after we're no longer obviously visually attractive. But I think it's also up to each of us to guard against not looking past the exterior package to see what's within. I know that's something I have to guard against anyway. I've learned recently that I've been far too image-minded and have probably missed out on some jewels of human beings because of this. My loss.
Sabio, yes, some old people are hollow and selfish, just as some young people are. I think if you've cultivated compassionate listening and give and take in conversation, that's something that gets better with age, like wine. And hollow selfishness just gets more hollow and selfish.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's unfortunate encounters with old folk who haven't developed any inner beauty that can cause us to dismiss all old people.
Paul Sunstone had a loosely related post on why you don't see more middle-aged women in internet porn. It takes a skilled photographer to capture a beauty that's less "in your face" and most internet porn photographers are not skilled.
I suppose it's up to each of us whether we'll cultivate qualities that will make us attractive even after we're no longer obviously visually attractive. But I think it's also up to each of us to guard against not looking past the exterior package to see what's within. I know that's something I have to guard against anyway. I've learned recently that I've been far too image-minded and have probably missed out on some jewels of human beings because of this. My loss.
Thanks, Jen! It's so easy to get caught up in rushing around with family, job, friends, etc. I wonder if there's any way to really appreciate what life is all about before we get so close to the end of it. We can say we appreciate it, but I doubt I really do the same way an older person does. Some knowledge can only be acquired through living, and a lot of living.
ReplyDelete