Wednesday, December 30, 2009

At year's end, reflecting on what might have been

When I look at all the ways religion has harmed me, it's hard not to think about where I might be or who I may have become if I hadn't had that hindrance. 

What if I had been allowed to dream? I'm referring to teachings that restricted what I believed I should do with my life. I was never allowed to imagine a future that didn't include children. The First Presidency had this to say on the topic: "We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity.

“Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by” (Ensign, May 1971). 

I was never allowed to consider not getting married. From Spencer W. Kimball: "No one who rejects the covenant of celestial marriage can reach exaltation in the eternal kingdom of God." Kimball goes on to quote from Doctrine & Covenants 132, where we learn that those who don't marry can't receive exaltation and instead are ministering angels. Lest you think this is a nice consolation prize, Kimball sets us straight: "Some might say, 'Well, I’d be satisfied to just become an angel,' but you would not. One never would be satisfied just to be a ministering angel to wait upon other people when he could be the king himself."


But missing out on the Celestial Kingdom was almost secondary in my mind as motivation for getting married. I never considered not getting married because getting married is the only way you get to have sex.


Not that I don't love my husband and my children, but I would have preferred to have consciously chosen to have a family instead of being funneled into it.


What if I hadn't spent my teen years feeling like I was worthless because I didn't fit the Church's mold of an ideal young woman. A few days ago, I came across this article about the Church's revamping of their Young Women's program, and I'm still reeling. This quote was truly nauseating:


The booklets are pink. "We are excited about the color of pink, because we think these young women are pink. They resonate to the softness and the femininity of that color. We want them to understand that they are soft, they are unique, they are feminine and that they don't have to be like the boys."

I was not soft as a Young Woman. I was not pink. I did not fit, and I thought it was because of something wrong with me. In my deconversion story, I talk about being tomboyish and not liking or relating to women in the Church. It wasn't until after I left that I began to realize that I could be feminine and not be stupid and weak. In recent years, I've been able to embrace my girly side and form some female friendships. What if I'd had that message as a young girl, that I was as good as a boy, that feminine doesn't have to mean timid or deferential or submissive or incapable?


I never got to dream about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was already picked for me: wife, mother, that's it. Sure, Mormon women are encouraged to get an education, but they're also expected to sweep it aside as soon as a husband and kids show up, which is supposed to be as soon as possible. How was I supposed to get excited about any kind of career, knowing it would be "unrighteous" of me to actually pursue a career? Any career training a Mormon woman receives is "for emergency use only," a backup plan if your husband dies or for some other reason can't be the provider. Otherwise, the prophets have proclaimed: "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." And choosing not to be a mother is unacceptable.


What might have been? How much further along might I be in my education? How much more emotionally stable, had I not had to undo all the damage of my early years?


And yet...


Were it not for the LDS Church, a young woman from Florida would almost certainly not have decided to attend Brigham Young University, would not have met a young man from Missouri while there, would not have decided to get married and start having children right away, eleven in all, including me.


Despite all its evils, in a very real way, I literally owe my existence to Mormonism. Whatever else may have been, it would not have been me.



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8 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. Getting married and starting a family so very young did not suit me. I wanted those things, and still do, but that is the trajectory my life took, and it has been VERY hard to get out of it. All I know is religion and family. I started the pre-requisites for medical school, but found myself so far behind in the sciences, thanks to a lifetime of mistrusting and avoiding them, that I don't think I would actually make it. I have the brains, but not the foundation. So I am back to where most people are at 18: trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. I know less about who I want to be now than I did at the age of 11.

    I never fit in, either, and I always hated the color pink. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Laura, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -George Eliot

    So many what ifs. Sometimes I really wish my parents hadn't had so many children, but then, which of my siblings do I wish wasn't here?

    I didn't like pink as a girl because it symbolized everything I loathed about who I was expected to be, but I like it now. In moderation. :-)

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  3. Oh shoot, I love the colour pink ;)

    But you're right about it being sick making when in reference to Mutual. Do they still call it that?

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  4. Greetings Leah! I'm a new reader to your blog. I too was raised LDS and have often wondered about what might have been had I been raised in another way. Unlike you, I would likely still exist had my parents not been LDS since they were Jack Mormons at best when they met and until I was about 3. My parents did a great job of softening the blow of the message to be wife and mother and nothing else that I received at church. They pushed me to pursue education and always encouraged career ambitions. Not sure why that was as my mom seemed pretty content to be a SAHM. I guess she could tell early on that I probably wouldn't. I was a scientist from the time I was born, I think. :-) But, the messages I received at church and the GUILT (Oh, the Guilt!) I had about wanting a career, wanting to do, wanting to be, still stifled me and I think they are still stifling me today. I'm in the early family-planning stages and I agonize over whether I can be a good enough mom and still have the career I've spent the first 30 years of my life preparing for. I blame that on the message that I couldn't possibly be a good enough mom if I wasn't staying home cleaning every surface and slaving over every meal.

    I love pink and always have. But, I tend to prefer the bright, vibrant pinks that jump out and grab you to the pale pinks that almost fade into the white background.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Xuxana, I remember my older siblings calling it Mutual. My the time I got up there, I think it was just Young Women's.

    Amy, Trying to strike a balance between being a good mom and maintaining my own goals and interests is one of my greatest challenges. I'm currently a student and in a lot of ways that works out really well because I have complete control over how many classes I take and how busy I want to be. I wouldn't have that option working and 8-5 job. Part of me wants to do more, but I can't bring myself to put my kids in daycare full time, not because I'm worried that they'd be scarred by being there instead of with me, but just because they're only little once and it goes by so fast and I don't want to miss it. A lot of European countries are better about giving parents career leave during a child's early years. Maybe someday the U.S. will catch up!

    For the record, even though I'm home most of the time, my house is a total hell hole, and I make no apologies for that. So many things to do that are so much more interesting than housework!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ahhh... Mormonism. I was wondering which or what it was. I must congratulate you on your new awakening and your liberation of mind and thought. Freedom to think unrestrained by the shackles of religious dogma is truly liberating. Enjoy your enlightenment!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Greetings Leah! I'm a new reader to your blog. I too was raised LDS and have often wondered about what might have been had I been raised in another way. Unlike you, I would likely still exist had my parents not been LDS since they were Jack Mormons at best when they met and until I was about 3. My parents did a great job of softening the blow of the message to be wife and mother and nothing else that I received at church. They pushed me to pursue education and always encouraged career ambitions. Not sure why that was as my mom seemed pretty content to be a SAHM. I guess she could tell early on that I probably wouldn't. I was a scientist from the time I was born, I think. :-) But, the messages I received at church and the GUILT (Oh, the Guilt!) I had about wanting a career, wanting to do, wanting to be, still stifled me and I think they are still stifling me today. I'm in the early family-planning stages and I agonize over whether I can be a good enough mom and still have the career I've spent the first 30 years of my life preparing for. I blame that on the message that I couldn't possibly be a good enough mom if I wasn't staying home cleaning every surface and slaving over every meal.

    I love pink and always have. But, I tend to prefer the bright, vibrant pinks that jump out and grab you to the pale pinks that almost fade into the white background.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. Getting married and starting a family so very young did not suit me. I wanted those things, and still do, but that is the trajectory my life took, and it has been VERY hard to get out of it. All I know is religion and family. I started the pre-requisites for medical school, but found myself so far behind in the sciences, thanks to a lifetime of mistrusting and avoiding them, that I don't think I would actually make it. I have the brains, but not the foundation. So I am back to where most people are at 18: trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. I know less about who I want to be now than I did at the age of 11.

    I never fit in, either, and I always hated the color pink. ;)

    ReplyDelete

Religion, skepticism, and carving out a spiritual life post-Mormonism