"I've been praying for you."

I've been going through some upheaval in my personal life. It feels like not realizing I'd been walking on train tracks until after the train had already hit me. I've mentioned a bit about my trials and tribulations to a friend, who yesterday told me, "You know, I've been praying for you." He said it with such concern and sincerity that I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm now an atheist.

It wasn't a fear of rejection or judgment; it just seemed like the wrong moment for "coming out," and an abrupt reminder: How long has it been since I've connected with this person, whom I consider to be one of my best friends, that I haven't even told him that I'm an atheist? I've been out of touch and off balance, in more ways than I had realized.

If ever there was a week when I wished prayer actually worked, this last week was it. I'm floundering. I wish there really was a magic holy book that had all the answers. It's scary admitting that you don't know, and that there are no guarantees. I have to find my own way through this, and I might screw it up big time, and it wouldn't be part of some greater plan. It would just be me screwing up.

Stark, naked reality can be a bitch. I have the freedom to soar higher, but also to fall harder. Some days I miss believing that a loving God was overseeing it all, and that everything works out for the best in the end.

"I've been praying for you."

If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll check out my new blog.