It wasn't a fear of rejection or judgment; it just seemed like the wrong moment for "coming out," and an abrupt reminder: How long has it been since I've connected with this person, whom I consider to be one of my best friends, that I haven't even told him that I'm an atheist? I've been out of touch and off balance, in more ways than I had realized.
If ever there was a week when I wished prayer actually worked, this last week was it. I'm floundering. I wish there really was a magic holy book that had all the answers. It's scary admitting that you don't know, and that there are no guarantees. I have to find my own way through this, and I might screw it up big time, and it wouldn't be part of some greater plan. It would just be me screwing up.
Stark, naked reality can be a bitch. I have the freedom to soar higher, but also to fall harder. Some days I miss believing that a loving God was overseeing it all, and that everything works out for the best in the end.
Who says that you would be screwing up? What defines a mistake? If something isn't going the way you want it go, then try something else.
ReplyDeleteYou're the one in control now, and you can only flounder if you allow yourself to. You can only make mistakes if you define what has happened as a mistake.
I hope you're able to fix whatever isn't working, and I hope you feel better soon. :)
To add to that, who says screwing up is necessarily a bad thing? Do we not learn from our mistakes?
ReplyDeleteAs for myself, personally, I have gotten into the habit of repeating the sentiment in the negative.
If someone says they'll be praying for me, I'll automatically feel the urge to share as they have, but adding, I won't be.
Not that it's become habit I don't worry so much about the etiquette of whatever situation I happen to be in. Some might think this lacks tact, some have accused me of rudeness, but I see nothing rude in sharing my harmless opinion as they have just share theirs. Yet if they happen to take offense by something such as free thinking secularism, and the disbelief of the supernatural (even prayer), then they are the one's who have a problem, not I.
At any rate, I hope things turn around for you. Just always make sure to strive for your best, because even if you do fail and crash and burn, at least you'll know you gave it your all. It will be a dignified sort of failure, and that's better than just blundering because you didn't really try. Good luck!
So do I - hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteGuess it's not that someone prayed for you. Seems he thought it might be a good idea. whatever it is...
had these feelings too. times when i thought - it might be easier if you had someone to pray to. sometimes i talk to people. discussing some of the thought's. sometimes even with my father who's dead since 1995 ;)
it will not help a lot but - you're not alone.
greetings from germany
I've been reading your blog for a while, just not commenting. My story seems to parallel yours, except I was raised as a Protestant.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a bad thing that someone prays for you. They're thinking about you and wishing positive things for you. If there's any kind of positive energy in the universe, maybe their prayers will help bring about your success, you know? I know it's not your cuppa anymore, but just say "Thank you," and move on.
Good luck in your endeavors! Sometimes it takes the scary times to bring about something awesome. I hope it comes soon for you.
Thanks for all the supportive comments. We're taking it one day at a time and are starting to feel like we're getting somewhere.
ReplyDeleteJust to clarify, it doesn't bother me when people pray for me. In fact, it makes me feel special because it's a sign that they care. It just caught me off guard that one of my closest friends was not yet aware of my atheism.
I am a former-LDS atheist and my parents know it, but they still say they'll pray for me. While I don't believe prayer has power, it means they'll be keeping me in their thoughts, and I choose to find that comforting and supportive.
ReplyDeleteI myself once claimed to be a Baptist. During my first year of college I went through a crushing break-up with someone I loved and thought would be with me forever. I stopped going to church and fell into an alcohol phase and eventually dropped out after my first year of school. I came as close as a sane person can get to suicide on numerous occasions. Strangely, I am thankful for this period in my life.
ReplyDeleteI started a part-time minimum wage job at a bookstore and was living in my car. I started reading a lot and eventually "lost Jesus". During these two years I basically rebooted my brain, washing out all of the nonsense I was taught in school and church. I gave up the alcohol and gained a new kind of love for the world and knowledge and read more books than I had my entire life. It felt like a rebirth, I was seeing things from the perspective of a child again with a new chance to get things right. No Santa Claus, no Holy Book, no God.
I've recently moved back to the town my family lives in and things between us haven't been going as well as I had hoped. My parents don't seem to be able to accept that I've returned as a different person. They want to believe that my sudden disconnection 3 years ago was just a phase and that I have returned a strong man of God who beat that and now wants to get married and have a hard working, church going life. I have a dilemma where after being so alone for so long I want to feel close to people. Unfortunately, the only places I know of are my family, who don't accept me,and church, which is a hell no.
Thus have I decided to stay in town and work for a while, trying my best to appease my family(although going to church may cause my skin to melt at this point) and save some money. After I have saved up a fair amount, I plan on going on a journey. I don't know where, but I don't plan on stopping until I find a place where I can call home. So, if you see a young long-haired hippie on his way through the wilderness, don't be afraid, offer him a ride or maybe a place to have a meal and a bed. Don't let religion run a monopoly on kindness and love. :)
You do have something like a loving god watching out for you in life, without having any religion at all. You have family, friends, fellow atheists, and love. Atheists don't lose out on love, and we gain the world.
ReplyDeletePost your needs privately and they can be discussed with people you know are atheists and not carpetbaggers. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if nobody else does/can. If things are shaking you up, tell us.
The type of input we get as children is hard to shake later in life, and that's the only reason religion wants your children. As you get old, you'll fall back on earlier programming. Anne Rice became a Christian again when she started losing her grip on things. Sad, really, that they're there to prey, and pray, and prey.
All they really want is your money, and they give back nothing but intolerance.
Best wishes,
D
I myself once claimed to be a Baptist. During my first year of college I went through a crushing break-up with someone I loved and thought would be with me forever. I stopped going to church and fell into an alcohol phase and eventually dropped out after my first year of school. I came as close as a sane person can get to suicide on numerous occasions. Strangely, I am thankful for this period in my life.
ReplyDeleteI started a part-time minimum wage job at a bookstore and was living in my car. I started reading a lot and eventually "lost Jesus". During these two years I basically rebooted my brain, washing out all of the nonsense I was taught in school and church. I gave up the alcohol and gained a new kind of love for the world and knowledge and read more books than I had my entire life. It felt like a rebirth, I was seeing things from the perspective of a child again with a new chance to get things right. No Santa Claus, no Holy Book, no God.
I've recently moved back to the town my family lives in and things between us haven't been going as well as I had hoped. My parents don't seem to be able to accept that I've returned as a different person. They want to believe that my sudden disconnection 3 years ago was just a phase and that I have returned a strong man of God who beat that and now wants to get married and have a hard working, church going life. I have a dilemma where after being so alone for so long I want to feel close to people. Unfortunately, the only places I know of are my family, who don't accept me,and church, which is a hell no.
Thus have I decided to stay in town and work for a while, trying my best to appease my family(although going to church may cause my skin to melt at this point) and save some money. After I have saved up a fair amount, I plan on going on a journey. I don't know where, but I don't plan on stopping until I find a place where I can call home. So, if you see a young long-haired hippie on his way through the wilderness, don't be afraid, offer him a ride or maybe a place to have a meal and a bed. Don't let religion run a monopoly on kindness and love. :)
Who says that you would be screwing up? What defines a mistake? If something isn't going the way you want it go, then try something else.
ReplyDeleteYou're the one in control now, and you can only flounder if you allow yourself to. You can only make mistakes if you define what has happened as a mistake.
I hope you're able to fix whatever isn't working, and I hope you feel better soon. :)