If you're out there reading somewhere, you probably know who you are. I was a freshman at ASU. You were one of my brother's roommates. We were both Mormon. I was drawn to your intense, solemn, contemplative nature. I came over a lot. You'd play guitar and I'd sing. We used to sit out in the parking lot of your apartment and talk till the wee hours of morning.
Then that one time you came over to my place. We watched Star Trek: First Contact but I can't tell you what it's about because we were making out all through the movie. I remember our thighs intertwined, your lips caressing mine, and your hands on my waist and the small of my back, little by little sliding farther up my shirt. I remember the wanting.
And then I remember both of us pulling back and looking at each other, knowing we couldn't go any further. I sensed your guilt at wanting me that way, and my guilt at wanting you to want me that way. We had both been taught that lust inevitably destroyed love except between married couples. You had come dangerously close to feeling me up and crossing that line, and since we were both 18 and not going to get married, that would have "ruined" our relationship. We both knew we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off each other from now on.
So we did the only thing two people as dedicated to the gospel as we were could do. You went home and we never saw each other again.
It's so sad. I really liked you, and I'm pretty sure you really liked me too. What might have been if we could have let ourselves follow our instincts? Would you have been "The One"? Probably not, but I'll bet we would have had a lot of fun, and I don't just mean the sex. I really think you were a great person who brought out the best in me and made me feel more myself, and that was the origin of my sexual feelings for you, not Satan. I wish I could have recognized that "lust" and "respect" are not mutually exclusive, because it would have been exhilarating to be your lover.
But such was not the trajectory of our lives. I still sing. I hope you still play guitar, and I hope you're well, wherever you are.
This is one of the most destructive and pernicious things about Mormonism - the daemonisation and patholigisation of healthy sexuality. Because sex is such a basic need and instinct, it's an especially powerful tool to control and manipulate.
ReplyDeleteI like how you pointed out the ludicrous argument that somehow being married suddenly makes something evil into something good with totally different consequences.
I totally would've done my then-fiance if it weren't for this crap.
ReplyDeleteTotally.
Like I mentioned on Main Street, it wasn't even about doing something "wrong" for us as much as it was about having to tell the bishop and then not marry in the temple WHICH meant everyone else would know we had sex.
Like it's any of their business.
I don't have any of these regrets so much pre-Mormonism...well, wish I would've felt freer to explore my sexuality (hi, i grew up Christian in a small conservative town), but MAN do I regret this one. Mostly because we really didn't feel it was wrong. Just natural and, yes, even okay.
You might find me blogging about this someday soon. Happens most times I get riled up about stuff ;)
I was not a virgin when I got married, and neither is my husband, but we both had only ever been with each other. It's a comfort to some extent, because I know I never have to worry about STD's or especially HPV.
ReplyDeleteBut the demonization of sexuality in mormonism is really odd. It's as if they actually expect you to believe that the day before you are married, having sex will probably destroy you and your love for each other, but five minutes after the ceremony it's COMPLETELY natural and good. It's nonsense!
It was the same for me growing up Catholic. In the 90's and 2000's they never tried to call sex itself sinful and dirty, but they really expect you to accept that up until the day of your wedding, having sex is JUST lust, it's abusive, you're committing a crime against yourself and your partner. My husband and I are no more ready to have a family now, 2 months after the wedding, than we were before it, but the biggest thing they tell you is that if you really love that person you wouldn't put them in the position where you might get pregnant and have to raise a child when you're not ready. I guess if I really love my husband I won't tempt him with the evil lusts of the flesh until we're financially stable and have a two-bedroom apartment. lol
I remember when my mom asked me to repent. I went to see the bishop and he said I had to tell him about every time I'd had unwed sex with my boyfriend. Every single session! lol. Firstly, how the hell was I supposed to remember that? And of course, that bishop? What a pervert! Needless to say, I didn't repent ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I loved it.
ReplyDeleteSexuality is not a sin, stealing and lying are sins. TSCC steals 10% from it's members, sends young men on a mission (steals 2 years of their lives) and I can go on and on...
Craig, I agree that it's a powerful tool of control. Sexuality is such a personal thing too. Churches should just stay out of it.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I know what you mean! Mormons love to keep tabs on each other and sexuality is the Holy Grail of faithfulness.
Carla Sue, the man I ended up marrying was my first too, but we didn't wait until the wedding. My biggest surprise was how little guilt I felt about it, something I'd been told all my life was this horrible sin, but it felt completely right. I ridiculous to think that a little ceremony can flip a switch and from that moment on what was once selfish and evil is now an act of love.
Suz, sounds like you had a lot of fun! :-)
Miguel, thanks. I agree that there are much more important things to focus on than who's doing what and with whom with their sexual organs.
Sacrilege!
ReplyDeleteFirst Contact has to rank in the top 5 of Star Trek movies! And you sully it with such hussing around!
Just kidding.
It sounds like you have a wonderful memory of the moment, and that may be the best way to hold onto it.
But you know, it might have been Picard's presence that got you two so worked up. He is, after all, quite the charmer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEZcslNOEBg
Andrew, you're absolutely right. Jean-Luc may well have played a role in my randiness. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the video!