If you're out there reading somewhere, you probably know who you are. I was a freshman at ASU. You were one of my brother's roommates. We were both Mormon. I was drawn to your intense, solemn, contemplative nature. I came over a lot. You'd play guitar and I'd sing. We used to sit out in the parking lot of your apartment and talk till the wee hours of morning.
Then that one time you came over to my place. We watched Star Trek: First Contact but I can't tell you what it's about because we were making out all through the movie. I remember our thighs intertwined, your lips caressing mine, and your hands on my waist and the small of my back, little by little sliding farther up my shirt. I remember the wanting.
And then I remember both of us pulling back and looking at each other, knowing we couldn't go any further. I sensed your guilt at wanting me that way, and my guilt at wanting you to want me that way. We had both been taught that lust inevitably destroyed love except between married couples. You had come dangerously close to feeling me up and crossing that line, and since we were both 18 and not going to get married, that would have "ruined" our relationship. We both knew we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off each other from now on.
So we did the only thing two people as dedicated to the gospel as we were could do. You went home and we never saw each other again.
It's so sad. I really liked you, and I'm pretty sure you really liked me too. What might have been if we could have let ourselves follow our instincts? Would you have been "The One"? Probably not, but I'll bet we would have had a lot of fun, and I don't just mean the sex. I really think you were a great person who brought out the best in me and made me feel more myself, and that was the origin of my sexual feelings for you, not Satan. I wish I could have recognized that "lust" and "respect" are not mutually exclusive, because it would have been exhilarating to be your lover.
But such was not the trajectory of our lives. I still sing. I hope you still play guitar, and I hope you're well, wherever you are.
